Ain't Talkin About Love - Van Halen 5:41 PM


Top 5 Holiday Gifts For 2008

While everyone is trampling each other for Plasma screen TV's and IPhones, I've found a few gift items that I asked St. Nick to leave under my fake tree:

5. The Official Boston Red Sox Casket

For the true fan. I'm sure many will need one now that the Yankees have sucked in Mark Teixeira. Hey, last I checked The Old Towne Team still was a pretty decent unit. Some may want one to send off Julio Lugo or bury Jason Varitek's OBP. Wait till the Yankees use the power of the Dark Side to bring in Derek Lowe and Manny Ramirez. Then these babies will be flying out the door. Maybe When George Steinbrenner kicks the bucket we can arrange a mix up at the funeral home? His oozing corpse would probably find it's last gasp of life to slither out and somehow pick up Josh Hamilton.

4. The Barack Obama Victory Plate

My question is: Who is profiting from this Presidential Platter? I would like to think Obama would shill something cooler, like a Victory GPS, or Victory Crocs. I bet it's Hillary Clinton trying to pay off her campaign debts. Or maybe it's Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. That's more his style. He'll get that cash from Obama one way or another. I'm not saying commemorative plates aren't cool. I own 2 Three Stooges plates I bought in the 80's while stoned. The people on the phone said they would increase in value, but I get laughed out of every indoor flea market I take them to. At least they're way more entertaining than the Victory Plate. That Curly...what a screwball! Well I'm not going to get just one to keep on my desk to look at and have a brief chortle to myself while I pay the bills.(like in the commercial) I'm going to get a whole set so my family can eat of Barack Obama just like the boys at GM.

3. The Bacon Wrapped Turducken

Truly a horrific culinary Tour De Force. Supposedly the Turducken was created by Creole Chef Paul Prudhomme, who got so fat eating it his mass became as dense as a medium size star and he eventually started to collapse within himself. It's a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, which is stuffed with sausage.  Then some genius cardiac surgeon said, "Hey, business is kinda slow. Let's start a viral Internet campaign telling people to wrap their Turducken in Bacon! I'll give away a carton of Winstons with every bypass!" The amount of grease from one bacon wrapped Turducken could power a fleet of Bio-Deisel ships that could deliver the BWT's to countries harboring terrorists. Instead of wasting money on bombs we could slowly fatten the enemies of America, eventually stopping their hate filled hearts. I'm sending one to Coldplay for the holidays.

2. Any toy made in China

IÂ belive China is waging covert chemical warfare against the USA.

First, they break our hearts by killing our pets with battery acid laced pet food.  We can talk all we want about how we wish our boss would drive into a kerosene tanker on the highway, but don't fuck with our pets. We fly into PETA rage when we read a story about Michael Vick waterboarding a Pitt Bull.

Second, they try to render us toothless by selling us tainted toothpaste. This has obviously worked on a majority of American Idol fans.

Third, kill our children with lead laden WMD's disguised as loving cartoon characters. I just read today about a recall of Hallmark Snow Man Snow Globes that could magnify sun light to the point of incinerating our homes or cubicles. Holiday joy turned into a fate worse than Napalm.

Don't worry. We are already fighting back with America's greatest and most profitable asset; Porn. Internet Pornography is apparently depleting the will and the seed of The People's Republic. I hear the Pentagon is speaking to members of the Brazzers crew to spearhead a retaliatory money shot at Beijing.

And the number 1 Holiday Gift Of 2008 is....Abortion Gift Certicicates from Planned Parenthood of Indiana.

Nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus like an abortion. Now before you get all Right To Choose on my ass, let me say I am Pro-Choice. Planned Parenthood programs across the country provide women with the help and education they need to...well..plan parenthood. It's just HI-larious to think of someone reaching into their stocking Christmas morning and pulling out a free ABORTION! AAAHHHHHHHH!!! Can't get one of those at Best Buy. Maybe next to the dumpster, behind the Best Buy, if the Religious Right got their way. It could also be a popular Yankee Swap item.

I hope you get at least one of these fabulous gifts this Holiday season. If you end up with a PS3 or a Lexus, try not to get disappointed. Remember, it's the thought that counts.