Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi 2:59 AM


Stupid Taxes


First they raise the tolls. Then, Governor Deval Patrick wants a .19 cent gas tax. Then there's the "Hummer Tax", Patrick's plan to tax(penalize) SUV owners for their gas guzzling ways. Now it's the "Carbon Fee". An extra $2 dollars to Park at Logan Airport. Correct me if I'm wrong, but we're already paying out the ass for the Big Dig, which was supposed to make it easier to get to the airport...wait a minute...now I get it. Are they making it up as they go along? It sounds like it. I don't mind paying taxes, as long as the bozos at the State House don't lose it all to their Uncle's brother's friend's contracting company who are also doing work on the Mayor's son's house. Well, I guess that means I DO MIND paying taxes. We should have an ala carte system for taxes. Like a sushi menu. We just check off where we want our money to go, like schools, roads, Food Banks, or a raise for our elected officials. But until our Deans of Democracy recognize my economic genius, we're stuck with what seems like a "wherever the dart lands" type of system. Since we're doing that, I have come up with a few specific targets for the darts of revenue:

  • I think any grown adult riding one of those mini-motorcycles on a public street should be fined and taxed. If they refuse to pay the tax, Mass. drivers should be alerted to who they are and be given a tax discount fortax5 driving them of the road. Ride a bike you're own size instead of looking like a member of Cirque De Sole airing out their junk.
  • I don't agree with the SUV tax mentioned above. Unless you own a Hummer, Excursion, Tahoe, or something of considerable size, while living in an urban neighborhood. Like those assholes who have to have a Hummer and live in the Back Bay. Not only are you taking up two or more precious parking spaces, but half your truck is in the street fucknuts. We can also create jobs by hiring people to throw dog poop at the owners when they leave their house in the morning.
  • Cell Phones In Motion Tax. I get annoyed at people talking on their phones in the car. But sometimes you have to do it. If you're running late, lost, or doing a Curt Schilling style reporting of a drunk driver. It's the people who are talking on their phones while walking that kill me. I was trying to enter a stall in the bathroom at work for my morning purging but couldn't quite make it around the ball licker trying to make the "Big Deal" standing in the mens room so everybody holding their dicks could think he was the Gordon Gecko of Porcelain. Or the woman in line at the grocery store arguing about cannoli with a boyfriend who ended up being tired of her crap and decided not to see her that night.(I know all this because she was yelling into the phone right in front of me and 8 other audience members in line. Tax those schmucks.tax9
  • An amendment to the previous Tax proposal:Â Tax the people who feel it's ok to have an intensely private conversation very loudly in a room where there are people who don't give a crap.
  • 2nd Amendment to previous tax proposal: Tax the drunk guy at a concert who feels the need to share the experience with someone who is hearing nothing but garbled white noise on the other end. Double tax tax71the guy who leaves it on a voicemail.
  • Increase taxes on all Jimmy Buffet fans.Â
  • This is more of a repossession than a tax:Â Mass drivers should be able to take the open door off a car that has said door extended into traffic.Â
  • We should legalize prostitution and regulate it like they do in the Netherlands. Then we could have a real "Hummer" tax.
  • People who wear clothes that are obviously too small for them should be hit with a "I Don't Need To See That Tax".

 Alright, now I'm getting out of hand. There's going to be a "Parrot Head" tea party if I don't stop.  These are the taxes Governor Hsu would bring upon the Commonwealth. Add these to legalized marijuana, and The French Canadian Speedo On The Cape Tax and we should be able to get this State back in the black.