MIKE HSU'S BLOG

My Sweet Ass Presidential Inauguration

We are in a recession. People are losing jobs like the Patriots are losing members of their coaching staff. Wall Street is vomiting through it's nose while sucking up our most gracious bail-out cash. We are involved in two wars, and the Russians are crouched down behind us as the Chinese are getting ready to shove us on to our asses. So let's PARTY!

The Presidential Inauguration of Barak Obama is turning out to be the most expensive in history. When all is said and done it might be over $150,000,000. Should have gone with the Lunchables instead of the duck. Some might see this as a Nero situation with the maniacal leader fiddlin' away while Rome burns. But as the Chairman of The Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies says, "We're always very budget conscious. But we're sending a message to the entire world about our peaceful transition of power, and you don't want it to look like a schlock affair. It needs to be appropriate to the magnitude of events that it is."

Exactly. I say "No Schlock, All Cock".

If we're going to do it, then do it all the way. That's how the outgoing Prez did it. Really make it a Texas size...no, make that Roman size party. Let the world know we have the audacity to rip it up.

It should be a ten day bender. Five days before inauguration day the president should be given a shot of B12 and whatever Dick Cheney gave W to keep him from getting all Presidential. Barak Obama took a train to Washington. While that's very common man America like Lincoln and Truman, it just doesn't scream, WE"RE #1 BITCHES!" I suggest a Jumbo jet, like Led Zeppelin's "Starship". Load it up with the cabinet, the Supreme Court Justices, and some Russian mail order brides(just to get Putin's goat), and some of the CIA's prime truth syrum. I hear that shit is bad craziness. And head for the real America. Las "Fuckin'" Vegas. Pick up Wayne Newton to give the invocation and spend the day hitting the High Rollers tables. Try to make America some of that money it lost in the sub-prime mortgage fiasco. Hey why not? Bush wanted to put our social security money in the stock market. Then on to Hollywood, but not to give thanks to all the A-listers for their support. Oh no, we need to pick up all the hottest b-list "actresses" for the big party. Kim Kardashian, Carmen Electra, and bring Courtney Love just to show the world how far we can push the envelope. After a quick diplomatic stop in Vancouver for a couple bales of Rocket Ship weed, off to D.C. While in the air the President- elect will break a spectrum of consensual laws which will be on a direct video feed to Al- Jazeera, just to needle the fundamentalists. It will also be available on Pay-Per-View for $199.99 for the first 15 minutes, an additional $99.99 for every additional five minutes.(of course that money will go to the Presidential Inaugural Committee.) Before the jet of iniquity lands in Washington the President-Elect's counsel will draw up signing statements to make sure he is immune from any prosecution, especially from Carmen Electra for that beef gravy high colonic incident with Leon Panetta and Tom Daschel.

The great masses of free democracy will be witness to a swearing in and procession that make Caligula look like The Dali Lama. The President-Elect will be enthroned upon a giant golden eagle encrusted with NASCAR style sponsorship decals and the heads of members of the press who dared to criticize this celebration of peaceful transition. The bird will be shouldered by no less than 100 ex-professional athletes who were ostracised for performance enhancing drug use, illegal immigrants, and former AIG acount executives.  The President-Elect will throw handfuls of pills, provided by the Pharmaceutical lobby, out to the great unwashed, depressed, erectile dysfunction suffering masses. By the time he gets to the Capitol steps, the throngs will be so chemically engorged, firehoses shooting streams of pepper spray will have to be utilized. After Wayne Newton's invocation, which includes a medley of "Dankachen", "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast", and "The Greatest Love Of All" with full pyro, the oath will be taken. The Chief Justice is fed alive to tigers after the "so help me God" part. Bottles of Jagermeister will then be distributed among the crowd and participants and they will be given instruction to drink one when the new president says "great country". Drink two whenever he says "Challenge". Drink three whenever he says, "a new day". Smash the bottle over the head of the guy next to you when he mentions "sacrifice". The President will then board his limo/hummer(hybrid) and barrel directly into the crowd who are so disoriented and paranoid from the free pills they rush to throw themselves in front of the vehicle to be crushed like squirrels. The new chief of staff will give the command to blare "Dr. Feelgood" from the limo as the President exits with the survivors of the jet orgy in tow to enter the White House. Live deer and wild boar will then be released inside the President's new home so guests will be able to hunt and kill the game for the Inaugural Luncheon. The beasts will be charred over bonfires made of the previous Presidents e-mail records and after the decadent feast there will be purging, orgies and crystal-meth. Again available on pay-per-view for a donation 0f $500.00 for the first 15 minutes.  The following day, the White House Press Secretary will proclaim a national day of Bloody Mary's. The President will then take a week to rehab before he begins his 4 years of service. You can't get hot inaugural action like that in Iran. But you will soon.