MIKE HSU'S BLOG

Is That A Blue Light Special Or Did Someone Get Trampled?

Please take a look at this Holiday Heartwarmer:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,460924,00.html

  • AÂ Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV for $798
  • AÂ Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28
  • AÂ Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69
  • and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.

These are some of the incredible deals Wal-Mart was offering that turned 2000 sleep deprived, retail hype crazed, early bird shoppers into a human wave of death. $28 bucks for a Vacuum!? Holy crap! Get out of my way you blue vested peon or some other undeserving bloodthirsty consumer will get it and my family will be forced to live with lint and carpet mites for Christmas!

Now, the family of late temporary Wal-Mart worker Jdimytai Damour is suing the company, the mall, the police, for being negligent. Which leads to the question. How much is this guy's life worth and can Wal-Mart roll back the price? In all fairness, how could Wal-Mart possibly foresee the blood lust of the mob waiting in the cold all night. Like hungry vagrant dogs being taunted with meat, or in this case, a beautiful Samsung 50-inch plasma HDTV. "If my fat ass kids don't get this TV they're going to call DSS and I'll be put on the cover of Shitty Parent Weekly". "My husband will leave me for a younger and prettier woman who can provide the satisfaction only a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera can give".

In the not so distant future, Early Bird Black Friday sales will be the chosen Bloodsport of America. We will inject ourselves with huge amounts of anabolic steroids and bulk up with raw beef and baby flesh for Thanksgiving. Then, the procession of retail gladiators will march down to the local giant box store and wait...drooling with anticipation of the first kill...and great deal! As the drawbridge is lowered, the consumer Orcs will vie for position, getting their first blows in to the weaker stragglers who still have a bit of courtesy left in their mutated near human bodies. Then the horde will surge forward, body parts flying through the air, howling with the satisfaction of the kill...and saving at least 25% on an XBOX. Once in the store, anarchy will rule. Hand to hand combat for televisions, blue ray, special edition Guitar Hero wood guitars. Bodies will fall, and so will prices! As the melee rages on, Michael Kors, Martha Stuart, Rachel Ray and the rest of the retail aristocracy will be throwing designer sheets and specialty creme brulee cups into the battle from high atop the spectator VIP area. And like hyenas at a carcass, the orcs will tear at each other until they get everybody on their list taken care of. Only the victorious will leave alive with jagged steel shopping carts full of the bloody bounty. They will feel the thrill of violent supremacy, until January comes, and the Killer Credit Card Collections robots will shred them like a Braun Original Stainless Steel Mandolin slicer that they got for half off.

When the magic morning arrives. The weary warriors will present the blood splattered booty to their offspring. Who, in a matter of months, demand an upgrade. The Orcs will pick up their well worn credit cards, and head out once again. Head out to the line of the damned and wait.

I will be at home. Battling in the on-line version: Cyber Monday: Click to Kill.