Spaz, Two Baby Daddies (Not Related), and Foot Skin Milk: Monday 5-11-15 Recap!

May 11, 2015

LB is missing. Rob has a sick little one. Spaz filled in. Hilarity ensued.

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I know this is a bold claim . . . but this MIGHT be the most disgusting way that anyone has EVER tampered with food. 56-year-old Sarah Schrock of Mechanicsville, Maryland had a few family members over at her house last Monday, and served them milk. As they were drinking it, they started GAGGING on some weird solids floating in their glasses.  And when they dumped the milk into a strainer to figure out what it was . . . it turned out to be DEAD FOOT SKIN. Apparently, Sarah had shaved, pulled, and peeled the dead skin off her feet . . . then put it in the milk. She was arrested on Wednesday and charged with poisoning and contaminating food and assault . . . and she's facing up to 25 years in prison. 

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This is what happens when random luck, crazy biology, and having unprotected sex with a bunch of different dudes COLLIDE. A woman in Passaic County, New Jersey gave birth to twins back in January of 2013 . . . she only been identified by her initials, T.M.  And last year, she sued the man she THOUGHT was their father for child support . . . he's been identified as A.S. But when the court had him take a paternity test in November, there was a WILD result:  He was only the father of ONE of the twins.  The other one belonged to a different dude. Here's how that's possible.  T.M. admitted she'd also had sex with a different guy right around when she had sex with A.S. It's possible for a man's seed to stay in the body for up to five days after sex . . . so BOTH of these men had their stuff swimming at her eggs, and each of them had one make it there. Apparently, this DOES happen from time to time.  The head of a major paternity testing lab says about one in 13,000 cases with twins involve multiple fathers. So . . . the court just ruled that A.S. is only going to be responsible for child support for the one twin he fathered.  There's no word on whether T.M. is tracking down the other father too. 

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California is dealing with a serious drought right now.  Reservoirs may have as little as a year's worth of drinking water left, and the state passed an emergency law last week, ordering residents to limit their usage dramatically. But at least celebrities are keeping their lawns lush, green, and beautiful.  Because what's more important than that? The "New York Post" took aerial photographs of several stars' properties . . . like Kim Kardashian and Kanye WestBarbra StreisandJennifer LopezHugh Hefner, and Jennifer Aniston . . . and they look just as immaculate as ever. Some of them are already making excuses.  Streisand's rep says she's cut her water usage by over 50% in the last several months, and she's going to take further steps. And Kim's rep says she and Kanye just moved into their place a month ago, that she has already made some "amendments", and she has, quote, "no problem letting her grass go brown." 

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You've got to love when idiot criminals take THEMSELVES out. 43-year-old Michael Meadows of Shady Spring, West Virginia tried to rob a pharmacy last Tuesday.  He busted in wearing full camouflage and a paintball mask . . . and started spraying pepper spray EVERYWHERE to take out the employees. But a paintball mask isn't exactly a gas mask.  So before he could get any money or drugs or whatever he was after, the cloud of pepper spray also got to HIM . . . and left him choking and blinded. He staggered out of the pharmacy and climbed into his getaway car, where a friend drove him away. But the cops tracked him down the next day and arrested him for attempted robbery. 

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This is a classic Florida robbery . . . it involved an idiot AND an old person. A guy in Broward County, Florida followed a 77-year-old woman into an elevator last week, and demanded her purse.  He had a knife, so she gave it to him.  But when he turned around to run away, he didn't realize the elevator door had shut . . . and his face SMACKED right into it. Then when he couldn't get the door to open, he was stuck riding in the elevator with the woman.  When they finally got to the next floor, the doors opened and he could get out. The cops released the surveillance video that shows him smacking into the door, and they hope someone will recognize him so they can arrest him.  

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