A Roundup Of Stupid Florida News This Week

January 22, 2016

Hey kids! Happy weekend! We've had some gems of stories this week in Florida, so I figured I'd bring them all together for you here.

 

This is almost like dining-and-dashing, but with a whole new wrinkle.  And you're about to find out why my use of "wrinkle" here is a stellar pun. 31-year-old Nicole Brown of St. Petersburg, Florida was arrested this week for skipping out on her BOTOX bill. She got about $870 worth of injections from a plastic surgeon earlier this month . . . but when it was time to pay, she said she left her credit card in her car.  Then she left to get it, and never came back. Now that's what I call a smooth criminal.  Ahem.  Moving on. This is the second time she's gotten Botox without paying up.  She gave a bad check to a different plastic surgeon back in September. The cops were able to track her down on Wednesday, and she's facing grand theft charges. 

 

This excuse is either so simple it's brilliant . . . or just really stupid.  A 46-year-old named Robert Lee Thomas Jr. got stopped by police in Vero Beach, Florida earlier this month, for riding his bike at night without a light.  Yep, that's illegal there. Then they saw him toss something, and heard metal hit the ground.  Turns out it was a loaded magazine for a handgun. So they searched his pockets, and found three rocks of crack cocaine.  Which he claimed weren't his.  Which is what EVERY idiot who gets caught with drugs says.  So Robert switched gears . . . and said the SHORTS he was wearing weren't his either.  Has anyone ever actually tried that before? Apparently the cops entertained the idea, and asked how long he'd been wearing them.  But Robert couldn't give them a straight answer.  Dude, you blew it. Now he's facing charges for drug possession and resisting arrest. 

 

I'm not sure what kind of crack dealers out there are willing to make barter deals, but I'm impressed this guy found one. 38-year-old Wayne Barfield of Largo, Florida stole a $1,600 Yorkshire terrier puppy from a pet store last week . . . to try to trade it for some CRACK. And he actually found a drug dealer in St. Petersburg, Florida who was willing to TAKE that deal. But the surveillance cameras at the pet shop caught Wayne stealing the puppy, and the cops tracked him down . . . except he wouldn't say who he gave the puppy to. Fortunately the dog was found yesterday, and taken to the vet.  They say he's sick, but he should make a full recovery. And Wayne is in jail for grand theft. 

 

If this woman's telling the truth, she REALLY needs to do a better job with gatekeeping when it comes to her lady parts. 38-year-old Dusty Rae Ingram of Crestview, Florida was arrested earlier this month for an outstanding warrant.  And as she was being processed, the guards did a strip search . . . and found a plastic bag filled with prescription drugs in her lady parts. Luckily she had an excuse.  Her excuse was . . . she didn't know how they got up there. She said she DID have a prescription for them, and usually kept them in her purse . . . but how they teleported from there to her genitalia was a mystery. Somehow the guards didn't buy it, and Dusty was hit with a felony count of introducing contraband into a detention facility.  

 

This guy forgot the one unforgettable rule of any drunk Taco Bell run:  Actually getting the food.  So we KNOW he was way too drunk to be driving. 25-year-old John Hopwood of Gainesville, Florida was driving drunk on Thursday night, and went through the Taco Bell drive thru.  But before he could even order, he passed out.  Right there in the drive-thru lane, behind the wheel of his car. Eventually an employee called the cops . . . then she went outside and woke him up.  And then he moved his car to a parking spot to wait for his food . . . because he didn't realize he hadn't ORDERED any. And while he waited, the cops showed up and arrested him for drunk driving. Sadly... I have no photo of this man...