..because it's December 23rd. That means it's "Festivus For The Rest Of Us!" Who knew that the creation of a television comedy writer could actually stick and become part of a culture. (Well, maybe "Whacking Day" from The Simpsons and "Mom always said don't play ball in the house" from The Brady Bunch)
The pressure is high every year to deliver for The Holidays. Bigger and better than the previous year. The last thing we want is the Wife, Child, or Girlfriend to be disappointed. It shouldn't have to be like that! The Holidays should be fun! And what is more fun than wrestling the head of the household as part of the "Feats Of Strength" portion of Festivus? You know it would be great to pin your father In law with some kind of scissor leg hold in front of that whole side of the family and declare, "Festivus Is Over!" I dream about Hallmark moments like that.
What about replacing that fucking fire hazard of a Christmas tree with a Festivus Pole? No more breaking out the ornaments and untangling the lights. Just the pure simplicity of telling our consumer culture to "Suck It" for the Holidays. Suck The Festivus Pole Neiman Marcus!
Of course "The Airing Of Grievances" is my favorite part of the Festivus tradition. Letting your cousin know his drug habit is bring down the family or telling your Mom to "fuck off" because she drove away the woman you wanted to marry are, to me, what the Holidays should be about. Feel free to join us and Air your Grievances in the comment section below. Start a real Holiday tradition untainted by commercialism. I'll start... Hey McDonalds, why is the McRib available only for "a limited time"? Don't you know if you made it available year round you would be able to assemble an Army Of The Golden Arches with the Zealots who worship that sandwich? Then your plan to install Ronald McDonald as Supreme Leader Of The Confederacy Of McRib States would become a reality much sooner.