--Actually, kid, I'm NOT going to post your crappy macaroni art on the refrigerator.
--I can't wait to spend this weekend shuttling two brats between ice skating
lessons, soccer practice, a violin concert and a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.
--Honey, of COURSE I think about you when I touch myself.
--No offense, kid, but you really suck at tee-ball.
--Breakfast in bed was a sweet idea, honey, but seeing your muffin top ooze over your pajama waistband ruined my appetite.
--Before I pay you for sex, let me tell you about my wife and kids.
--I don't think you belong in the kitchen because you're a woman. I think you belong in the kitchen because you're genetically hard-wired to cook.
--Ya know that lone black hair curling out of your chin? For the love of god, woman, PLUCK IT!
--Instead of placating my unfulfilled sexual desires through pornography and prostitutes, I think we should divorce.
--Honey, that TV you bought me is just too big. Bring it back and get something smaller!
--No, I'm not mad you spent $200 on those shoes. I'd say they're worth at least DOUBLE that.
--No wife of mine is gonna read that "Fifty Shades of Grey" crap. I don't want you getting filthy ideas.
--Whatever you make me for my Father's Day breakfast, I sure hope it's vegan!
--Why would I want a Corvette, when we have a perfectly good minivan?
--You quit football, so you could play Mr. Mistoffelees in the drama club's production of "Cats"? Great choice!
--A chance to take you and all your screaming little friends to Chuck E. Cheese on my one day off? Sign me up!
--Have I ever been attracted to a younger woman who's not your mother? Of course not!
--Look, son, I know you're unsure if you and your girlfriend are meant to be together long-term. But the only way to find out is to get her pregnant.
--The great thing about marriage is you never ever resent the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with.
--Your mom has gained so much weight since we met . . . and I love it!
--I should probably stop tucking my T-shirt into my jeans, shouldn't I?
--College schmollege! I have a feeling your "Lord of the Rings" tribute band is really going places!
--Sweetie, why don't you wear those 8-inch hot pink platforms so your date knows how fierce you are, Rawrrr!
--No, you're NOT playing football. You're going to be a dancer like your old man!
--Look at that poor single childless man.
--It's not money that makes the man, it's the number of piercings he gets.
--When parenting gets tricky, I ask myself: What would Alec Baldwin do?
--Sure you can borrow the car. But I just had it detailed, so put a blanket down before you have sex in the back seat.
--Why just for Lent? I'm giving up beer all year!
--I'll tell you, when I pictured my perfect life 15 years ago, it definitely involved spending my entire Saturday getting relentlessly nagged about how I promised to clean out the garage.
--Like I'm going to sit home, watching the NBA Finals when Linens 'n Things is having their semi-annual curtain sale!
--Have fun with my daughter, Chris Brown.
