As long as there are no “cosmic abnormalities”, then the 2012DA14 asteroid will barely miss a collision with our planet tomorrow. The asteroid will come within a mere 17,000 miles of Earth, missing a catastrophic collision by about 14 minutes. Of course, you know that I’m full of irrational fears, so I’m not taking this lightly. Hence:
THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE 2012DA14 Asteroid OBLITERATES OUR PLANET TOMMOROW
1. Check Homeland security website for “list of things to do in the event of a molten hot asteroid collision with Earth”
2. Lose the 10lbs from the New Year’s Resolution
3. Watch every episode of “The Kardashians” to see what I’ve been missing.
4. Purchase expensive Valentine’s gift for Mrs. Hill on lay-away
5. Download the “temperature at which skin blisters” app
6. Stock up on dip
7. Tell Kate Upton that I love her, and that I have always loved her
8. Convert to Scientology
9. Buy Zombie Appocalypse emergency preparedness kit
10. Set up asteroid damage tour with Lt. Governor Tim Murray for Saturday
So, that’s what I’m doing today. How about you? What will you spend your final moments before we burst into dust doing? What’s on your list? And don’t bother to tell me that this blog is a Hill-man jinx situation. I’ve already considered that and it’s terrifying.
In light of the incredible reporting by Deadspin on the Manti Te’o story, I think some reflection is required for those of you who are currently in a serious relationship with someone on the internet, who you’ve yet to meet in person. I’m not saying that everyone on the interwebs is not who they say they are but there may be some simple questions you want to ask yourself so that you don’t find yourself in the unenviable situation that the Notre Dame Linebacker finds himself in today.
1)Does the internet fiancé you met on Plenty of Fish sometimes confuse you with their choice of phrasing. For instance, when you ask what she’s doing over the weekend, does she ever write back “that she and the guys are going to Hooters to get wings, beer and to creep on chicks”
2)Has the girl you met on the internet last week, and fell head over heels in love with, ever asked you to deposit $50,000 in an offshore account so she can collect $2,000,000, which the two of you can share?
3)Do you ever email a sonnet to your internet girlfriend and get an “out of office” reply email from Josh in Accounting?
4)Has the smoking hot 23 year old college girl you met on Chat Roulette ever accidentally messaged you on X-Box live under the gamer name “Big Rod Randy”?
5)When you and your internet fiancé talk about future plans post marriage, does she ever suggest that the two of you live apart while you play in the NFL, and that you send her monthly checks so she can support the child you two are having, who was actually born before you met?
I don’t want to alarm you. I sure most on-line only relationships, unlike Manti’s are real. It’s just the cynic in me who thinks you may want to do a little more prying, and actually take the step of meeting your beloved in person, before you commit too much.
FRIDAY FINAL THOUGHTS: Here’s some things we didn’t get to on the show today before I get out of here for the weekend!
HERE’S TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, TONIGHT IS KINDA SPECIAL: The Live Free or Die state is kicking our ass again, this time when it comes to beer. New Hampshire has finished at the top of the list of Beer Drinking States, according to new figures released from the Beer Institute. The average Granite State boozer consumes 40 gallons of beer a year. And why wouldn’t they? It snows like a mother F’er all the time up there, there’s no major league sports teams to root for, your closest neighbors are 3 miles away, and if you want to go to a bar that has more than 8 people who aren’t guys in it, you have to drive to Manchester. Congratulations, New Hampshire, you’ve cornered the market on beer drinking and cars in yards up on blocks. Next up: teen pregnancy.
IS ANYTHING DONE BY A KARDASHIAN EVER ACCIDENTAL? Yes, Kourtney, we know you were on the balcony and a sudden gust of wind “accidentally” blew up your skirt. Yes, we know you just happened to be panty-less or wearing the tiniest thong known to man. Oh, and we are totally on to you and your family of fakers. All of us.
HOW MANY CHILD BRIDES CAN WE SAVE THIS YEAR? There is an amazing stat out from Dailymail.com today: Every day, twenty five thousand girls under the age of 18 are married off, and soon impregnated, around the world. Mostly third world places like Uganda, Chad and Mississippi. Check out this looker and his lovely new wife who just finished playing patty-cake with her friends before the ceremony:
What a wedding night those two must of have had! Dinner at four at the camel barn, one of hour of Matlock on Al Jazeera and then straight to bed. We must save these child brides immediately.
AMERICA COMES UP SHORT AGAIN:
According to information we learned on today’s show, American penises rank 96th out of 116 countries when it comes to length. How did this happen? First, we get our ass kicked by the Japanese when it comes to technology, then we’re borrowing all our money from China, and now this? The study, conducted by Dr. Richard Lynn at Ulster University in England, ranks countries and their respective junk. The Congo kicks ass in the Dick Olympics, with a strong 7 inch finish. American men thrust their way in to the survey with a mere 5.1 inches average when erect. It must have something to do with obesity, right? We’ve finally done it-we’ve eaten our way to smaller penises. If there is any justice in the world, however, it is that the world’s smallest penises are those of an Axis of Evil nation, North Korea. We have new trash talk to use when they start trying to get cute with Nukes. This is something Mitt Romney can run on and win. “We must restore American penises to Superpower status”.
TODAY’S KING OF MANTOWN: Check out this video of Arnold Swartzenegger on “60 Minutes” last night.
Basically, the guy was smashing everything that moved on the set throughout his entire acting career. Then, when he got out of movies, he grabbed whatever was handy, like the household help. And then…when Maria caught him, he basically pulled the old “I made a mistake and I never focus on mistakes” line. It’s brilliant. He’s basically saying that whenever he does something stupid, like impregnating the maid, he never thinks about it again. Just pays the chick and tells her the duvet is a little dusty. I, for one, am a little surprised that he had sex with Brigitte Neilson. I never thought she was hot. Not even in Cobra. Arnold probably liked her cuz he thought she could kick his ass.
HOMELAND’S BACK: The greatest show on television made it’s triumphant return for the 2nd season last night. If you are sick of me telling you how incredible this show is, too bad. Here are my predictions for the upcoming season:
Nicolas: will start a steamy affair with the hot muslim terrorist news lady who interviewed him last night.
Carrie: will go completely off the deep end while in Lebanon, and kill some randoms that she thinks are terrorists.
Jessica Brody: disgusted that Nicolas is a muslim, she will have an affair with VP William Walden
Saul: gets killed in the 2nd to last episode of the season trying to protect Carrie
Dana Brody: converts to a muslim, and starts to become her dad’s ally when it comes to his mission
That’s the way it would be if I wrote it anyway. (Airs Sunday’s at 10 on Showtime.)
REASONS TO FEEL INADEQUATE PART ONE: Congratulations Moustafa Ismail, you have the world’s biggest biceps. Oh, and by the way, you look like a freak. Imagine the plentiful moments of free time this guy has when his not in the gym, working the bi’s? What would you guess…four, maybe five free minutes a day to spend with loved ones or at work maybe? I could definitely look like this if I didn’t have a job. So, does he only wear short sleeved shirts? Or does he go custom? Maybe he could get Versace to make him a shirt like that dress Liz Hurley wore with the cut-out where his wicked massive bi’s are. I’m strong to the finich ‘cuz I eats me some spinach.
REASONS TO FEEL INADEQUATE PART TWO: Look around you right now. One of out of every five people you see have had a legit threesome, according to a new survey from Adam and Eve. Depressing right? Apparently, 20% of the world are having out of control group sex while the rest of us are missionarying it once a month and on our birthdays. Lots of questions on today’s show about what counts officially in this. I mean, what about a lap dance from two strippers? Do hookers count? What if you paid two BU girls 20 bucks each to kiss at Daisy’s? I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I think there may be some exaggeration going on up in this piece.
DO NOT SIT NEXT TO THIS GUY ON A PLANE: Or at the blackjack table. Meet the new “Stink of Life”. This poor sap goes in for a circumcision and the doctor removes his junk. Without asking first. I’m not sure that I could go on without a penis. What do you do in your spare time? Imagine if doctors did this all the time? You go in for random surgery, they see something they don’t like, and remove your leg? I could go on without a leg. Not without a penis.
IRRATIONAL FEAR ONE: I don’t which I’m more afraid of, Doomsday… or lunatic Doomsday preppers. This man is accused of stealing some tractor trailers so he could build his self a doomsday bunker down in Florida. Former NE Patriot Matt Light is a big end of the world guy. He thinks its coming soon and we all need to arm ourselves for Armageddon. If the real Doomsday is coming, I’m not sure I want to align myself with a dude who can’t steal a tractor trailer without getting caught. Seems like it might be pretty easy for the Zombies to find his bunker.
IRRATIONAL FEAR TWO: Reports from Long Island indicate a 2 foot tall, grey “cat-like” creature is stalking the natives. This has Timothy Busfield written all over it. Although “Strays” took place is some remote place. This is Long Island. Cats that sleep all day, and purr, and drink milk are cool. Giant cats that eat your garbage and stalk your children are not. Better get some bigger catnip.
BLOOD DOPING SCANDAL NUMBER ONE: What do you make of the Lance Armstrong decision, announced today, that he won’t fight the stripping of his record breaking seven Tour De France titles? I want him to fight it. If he’s innocent, I would think he would fight. Authorities say that ten of his teammates were ready to testify against him. That’s pretty damning. Although, he has never failed a test. He was, and I guess you have to say was, considered one of the greatest athletes of all time. Now, he will be considered a cheater. Will his new bracelets read “Live Wrong”?
BLOOD DOPING SCANDAL NUMBER TWO: Here’s the man who ruined your new porn session this weekend:
Mr. Marcus has admitted that he is patient zero when it comes to the syphilis outbreak that shut the porn industry down this week. Mr. Marcus got himself a shot of penicillin, and waited ten days before returning to the set. Problem is, you can still spread the syph until 90 days later. Mr. Marcus acknowledges lying to producers and partners about his STD test. Told them all was “a-ok” down there. So it doesn’t matter whether it’s professional cycling, or professional smashing, a real athlete will always do what it takes to win.
IRRATIONAL FEAR: PRIMATES IN SANTA SUITS: You know I’m terrified of primates. Well, this dude most likely is now, as well. This poor guy was attacked by his Macaque Monkey, JayJay, outside his home in Florida. Jimmy Schmall and his family used to dress the monkey up in diapers, Santa Suits and whatever else apparently floated their boat.
He even swam with their kids. I am constantly ridiculed for my irrational fears but it doesn’t seem so stupid to Mr. Schmall I bet. How is the 4 hour surgery to repair your monkey chewed arm and butt treating you today, sir? Monkees, and other amimals don’t like being locked in cages. As a Florida animal expert said “You cannot change a monkey into something it’s not”. Like Santa Claus.
STINK OF LIFE: This is the Beanie Baby Billionaire. Ty Warner. He was lost in Santa Barbra and pulled in to a parking lot to get directions. Ran into Jennifer Vasilakos, who was collecting donations for a rare stem cell treatment she needed to help her ailing kidneys. Mr. Warner gave her a 50 spot and then took off. Shortly thereafter, he sent a check for 20 grand! All I can think about is how unfair life is. Why couldn’t that have been Spaz in the parking lot, selling Magic The Gathering cards he stole from his kid’s Grandfather? Imagine if that 20,000 had been able to be used for something important, like furniture for Anthony’s house, or faux nuggets for Narium?
And now….as I limber up and get ready for 4 hours of the greatest Rock n’ Roll recording artist of all time tomorrow night at Gillette….today’s FINAL FRIDAY THOUGHTS:
THAT’S HER? Wait. That’s the woman Chad Johnson threw a reality show…I mean, marriage…away for? No disrespect, but I was expecting to see some exotic, supermodel, sex kitten type. Millions of femaile followers on Twitter and he picks her? This girl, of course, was kind enough to tell her whole story of love to Radaronline.com. Classy. What happened to the good old days when professional athletes had a chick in every city and then they would come off the road and no one was the wiser? It seems the technology that Chad has warmly embraced is not helping him out here.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: I bet the guy who owns this place is sitting on his G5 right now and telling his minions that he can’t believe he spent all that cash improving his mansion with the backyard water park and he can’t sell it. Check this out:
How awesome would it be to have the backyard water park available for “after hours”? Or maybe we should all just show up and start using it and if anybody protests, tell them that Barack Obama said this water park belongs to everyone?
THAT’S CALLED IRONY: Horrendous story today about a college student who was mauled to death by the dogs that lived with her. Rebecca Carey of Dacatur, Georgia devoted her life to saving animals. And see the thanks she gets? The Spaz philosophy is at play here. Why bother helping others when you know they will just turn on you. This poor girl rescued the pitbull that ended up killing her. It’s kind of like what happened with Chad Johnson and his mistress, only he didn’t die.
FLORIDA NOT LIKE THE REST OF US: PART 84. Can’t leave for the weekend without sharing the mugshot of this frisky lady from East Naples. When police were called to the Green Valley Circle Community Pool they found Ms. Merrie Killian receiving oral pleasure in the deep end. Chances are that, had Ms. Killian been a younger, more attractive resident of the cul de sac, cops wouldn’t have received a phone call. The lady probably would have been made chairman of the Labor Day Pool Party committee. This kind of thing only happens in Florida. Never in Stow.
Tomorrow morning Josh Beckett will be on our show and after the interview is over, I will get a bunch of text messages saying that I “lobbed a bunch of softballs” his way. Doesn’t matter what I ask. People in this town expect that there is always mega-drama behind the scenes in our professional sports locker rooms and they aren’t happy until they smell blood. Imagine if every one of us was interviewed at our workplace every day? Imagine if there were ten reporters outside your cube after you finished a meeting with your boss asking you what you thought of him? Would you really tell Gordon Edes that you can’t stand the guy you work for? “Yeah, my manager, Laurie, is a complete moron. I work my ass off and all she does is bust my nuts over what I haven’t done. I hate this place.” How long do you think you’d last there?
I’m not sure what we expect from interviews with these guys. Do the Sox players hate Bobby Valentine? Maybe. Are they spoiled professionals who don’t want a manager telling them how to play the game? Probably. Are we any better at our place of business? No. Do you really enjoy some business school grad who never did your job telling you how to do it?
Tomorrow we’ll ask the “tough” questions. Who’s the snitch? Would you punch Bobby V if he made a Middlebrooks-like snide remark to you? (The Blogger said he would). Does everybody hate the manager? Are you bubbling over with happiness playing here in Boston for the Red Sox? I have no control over how Josh decides to answer. But keep in mind when you tune in at 7:20, that we’re asking him to comment on the people who sign his massive paycheck….and they still owe him about 31 million over the next two years.
In the meantime, one thing I know is that Josh helps raise a ton of money every year for Children’s Hospital. So, please join both of us at Beckett Bowl this year.
THIS WEEK’S FINAL FRIDAY THOUGHTS: Here’s what’s left as I head off to Manchester to watch the Fisher Cats play tonight (insert leaving early joke here):
CUE THE ANTI-GUN RHETORIC: That’s right, Robin. Here come the caped crusaders screaming that, with the proper gun laws in this country, the lunatic who shot up the theatre in Colorado last night wouldn’t have been able to do it. Check out this tweet from a man who can’t get anyone to watch his CNN show, never mind rally the populace for legislative change, Piers Morgan:
Yes, Piers, you’re from England. We know the Bobbies don’t carry guns. Well, unless they see a real criminal, then they seem to have M-16’s at the ready. This psycho would have shot a theatre up, gun laws or not. There are crazy people in the world and they do crazy shit. It sucks but it’s reality.
CUE THE ANTI-VIOLENT CONTENT RHETORIC: Like Alfred delivering a drink to Bruce Wayne, here come the guesses at what drove this idiot to shoot up a theatre full of moviegoers. It must be the violence in the film, right? What about the 1986 Batman cartoon plot which is eerily similar? Or, as several nut job commentators and bloggers are now doing, let’s blame it on this trailer for the upcoming film “Gangster Squad”, which ran before “The Dark Knight Rises”:
Oh, I get it. Gangster shoots up movie theatre in trailer, must mean that psychotic moron in Colorado gets idea to shoot up theatre from trailer, right? Unfortunately, if you watch the trailer, Gangster also shoots up cop car, people on the street etc. I guess we can now blame every shooting on Sean Penn. Which is actually not a bad idea.
IF YOU CAN’T WEAR YOUR FEEDING TUBE, THE TERRORISTS WIN: I’m all for proper searches at the airport. It never bothers me if I am asked to remove my shoes, or my boxer briefs, and submit to a TSA rubdown. It actually makes me feel safer. However, I agree with John Deaton of Texas who is pissed that the airport shampoo patrol strip searched his wife, and touched her feeding tube while she was travelling to the Mayo Clinic for treatment this week. Is there intelligence that we’re not privy to that Al Queda has placed a sleeper cell of airplane bombers with inserted feeding tubes in Texas so they can bring our planes down? If not, I think they should skip the feeding tube inspections.
ODD COUPLE, episode two is up. Little Wayne (Omar) and I go golf at the International in Bolton. Thanks to everyone out there for letting us film. And, because you read this blog, email me the reason why you want to play there, and I will hook one of you lucky stiffs up with a foursome at The Oaks course. Mantown@WAAF.com. Have a great weekend!
FRIDAY FINAL THOUGHTS…..some leftover items as I prepare to drive to Maine for an emergency Zumba class…..
PRIVATE DANCER: Thanks to @FelizJose27 for sharing this photo of the Zumba instructor/alleged prostitute from Kennebunkport that was the subject of today’s “Maine: The Way Life Shouldn’t Be” segment. This young lady was apparently providing more than a good sweat if you took her Zumba class. Or maybe I should say the sweat was produced in a different way. I like the fact that the Pizza place narc’d her out because they were wondering why pervy business guys were always going in the back door in suits but leaving naked. Okay, I made the leaving naked part up, read more.
THE NEXT WILL SMITH: check out the acting chops on our new call screener Omar, or “Little Wayne” as Spaz calls him. He is my co-star in our new series for WAAF.com called “The Odd Couple”. Yes, that’s really my office, dip spitters and all. I know it looks like a frat house.
PHOTO REQUESTS: Everyone is asking for another photo of Shanna, the girl who lives in the infamous Wrentham assisted housing complex, Garden Lane. She showed up at Uncle Sam’s live broadcast today and we were surprised to hear that she is the youngest resident of the elderly housing project. I would guess that she keeps her blinds drawn when changing so as not to instigate a Viagra disaster.
Hope you all have an incredible weekend and you are back with us on Monday Morning to see how Spaz’s date with this pregnant chick went!
