Â
Check out this article about the controversy over the name "Swine" Flu:
No Swine Left Behind
This is getting stranger by the hour. So, no actual pigs have this flu?( there go all my pig f#$%ing jokes) it comes from Birds and Humans? Or flying pigs! If that's true, expect alot of shit to go down. Axl may just get back together with Slash, or the Turnpike tolls will come down.Â
The pig farmers are freaking out because it's hurting business. The Jews and The Muslims are freaking out because their religions prohibit them from even saying "Swine". Obviously the CDC got the whole name thing wrong. Either way, if you get it, it might kill you, whether it's called 'Swine" or the "Cute Kitty Flu". What else could we name it? We need your help. The whole wide pig loving world needs your help! Leave some suggestions in the comment section below. We'll pick the best one and send you a free bag of Pork Rinds. The world and the "Swine" thank you.
I, like many others hope and pray that they turn the Craigslist Killer story into an HBO mini-series. It should be easier than a happy ending from an exotic masseuse. All the good parts are already written: Nerdy, preppy, pre-med student with a sexually charged obsession to dominate mixed with an out of control gambling habit compounded by skyrocketing student loan debt snaps and robs prostitutes with one encounter getting out of hand all the while his angelical fiance denies his dark side....whewwww. Can all that be squeezed into a 30 second promo? I'm thinking Michael Cera as Phillip Markoff and Ellen page as the fiance. It could be like a sequel to "Juno". Now that we know he was sending pictures of his junk to prospective tranny enthusiasts it could be a full blown major motion picture. Jud Apatow's "Craig's Bucket List", a feel good romantic comedy about things to do before taking the plunge with a girl who has no idea about your huge debts. Or the Farrelly Brothers "Rubbin' One Out", a wacky romantic comedy about growing up and the misadventures of a pre-med student who befriends a tranny exotic masseuse who might lose her/his massage table if they don't come up with thousands for the mob. Or,(cue the late Don LaFontaine) "Prison Is Better Than Marriage", Form the producers of "There Will Be Blood" and "Meatballs 4".
Would this be such an appealing story if it were a part-time Auto Parts Delivery guy from Ayer who was robbing and killing hookers at a shitty motel known for prostitution and drug use? This question didn't hit me until someone in the media said it was a shame that the alleged victim, Julissa Brisman, was murdered because she was so pretty. If it was a meth head tranny hooker with a black eye and 30 pounds under weight would they feel the same? The other two alleged victims were selling sex on-line. Brisman didn't have the chance. And what about the golden boy Markoff? He supposedly had everything to live for, B.U. pre-med, lovely fiance, fun at poker night. Would it be different if he had nothing going for him?  Would the story be worthy of a 5 minute meeting with the Weinstiens? Or would we all write it off as people who had it coming?
                                              Â
I watched "Dancing With The Stars" for the first time last night. I was with my Mother, who is a huge fan, and my wife(who is a closet fan) Along with "American Idol", this has to be the most corn laden turd American television has produced in the history of the medium. For the love of Rip Taylor, why is this one of the highest rated shows?Â
First of all, this is "Dancing With The STARS", right? Where are the stars? Maybe I'm out of touch but this is obviously a fruit basket of favors being done for agents to prop up the mediocre section of their stables. Yes, Lil' Kim is very recognizable, and I could watch her jiggle for at least 65 minutes, but who are these other dolts? I can't even remember their names. That might be an instinctive self preservation reaction to conserve brain cells for practical burning later. Now Lil' Kim may need the money, but LT...LT! Why LT? Why? Are you back on the white pony? Are the drug dealers calling in their debts? Are you being blackmailed by hookers? Football Hall Of Famer, Super Bowl Champion, 3 time Defensive Player Of The Year. It's got to be the money.Â
All the contestants look like their in one of those Al-Queda hostage videos with a gun against the back of their head. That would actually be more interesting. Maybe not death as a penalty for elimination, but loss of a limb or torture of a family pet.Â
Sure the girls are hot. I don't know who most of them are, but they are very easy on the eyes. But if I wanted a cheap sexual thrill I'd hit the Internet for some on demand porn or Craigslist for a quick rub down and bondage session in a swank Boston hotel.Â
Yet this is one of the most popular shows on that giant sphincter called television. America has it's face right in ABC's anus, and is prostrate with mouth open like they're re-enacting "2 Girls, One Cup". This must be what it's like to smoke crack. Irrational helotry to a mind numbing opiate. Times are tougher than I thought. America doesn't have enough money to buy crack so they turn to a cheaper and worse narcotic. Please just bring back Gladiator fights. We're already half way there with the UFC. Give us Circus Maximus instead of broadcastus succubus.
Even worse?...LT got eliminated. See you on "Surgery With The Stars".
Take a look at this article. It will make your struggles during this crappy economy seem a little less arduous:
10 Celebrities Who Are Poorer Than You
Nowhere else in the world do they relish the slovenly fall of the celebrity than here in the USA. This country builds the biggest and best celebrities by far. One week we love the soulful virginity of Susan Boyle. Then we find out she owes on parking tickets or has participated in a satanic orgy involving cake farting, and the slow and sweet destruction begins. Why is it we feel the need to revel in the downward slide of the famous? Or the select famous? Bruce Springsteen cheats on his wife, but he's America's songsmith, so we give him a pass.
I believe it's all about Karma. I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but I believe what comes around....well you know. To me, kids are the ultimate in karma. If you were shitty to your parents, your kids will be shitty to you, and your parents will laugh and laugh and laugh....
As far as the above list, it seems like karma is the reason for their downward spiral...oh yeah...and drugs. Don Johnson was on top of the world in the 80's with "Miami Vice". He inspired millions of perfectly reasonable men to wear pastels and roll up the sleeves on their blazers. That's not the reason for his downfall though. It was the delusional belief that many get when awarded with great fame, that they can sing.
Holy crap does that suck! Don Johnson is now suffering for the painful caterwauling he unleashed on the citizens of the world in the 80's. Hasslehoff is going through a similar hell. It's called being "big in Germany".
Mike Tyson raped and beat and robbed people. Not as bad as OJ killing his wife and pirating satellite dishes. But Michael Vick killed dogs. Sometimes killing pets is worse than killing humans in this country.Â
Kim Bassinger bought a small town in Georgia and wanted to be queen. Look for her Oscar on e-bay. MC Hammer surrounded himself with more yes men than George W. Bush and paid them more than my house is worth. Anita Bryant is an Orange Juice guzzling bigot. But why Gary Coleman.
What did Gary do to deserve the wrath of a merciless celebrity fellating public? He was victimized by his parents, the people we are supposed to trust the most. He was plagued by bad management and accountants. He was ridiculed for trying to work for a living as a security guard. I think Gary Coleman was victimized by society because he was short. Or not short enough. If he was freakishly short like that guy who hung out with Pedro Martinez we would think he was cute and pay him $10 to get a picture with him. As the song says, "The World Don't Move, To The Beat Of Just One Drum, What Might Be Right For You, Might Not Be Right For Some."Â
Maybe bad grammar killed Gary Coleman's career?
               Â
America lost two great Icons this week. Former MLB pitcher, Mark "The Bird" Fidrych, and Adult Film Legend, Marilyn Chambers. They were both genius in their respective professions because they approached the Job with what some like to call "Verve".Â
Fidrych, the pride of Worcester Academy, had the stuff and proved it in his rookie year with the Tigers. But he was most known for his eccentric behaviour on the field. He would have deep relationships with the ball in every game. It was like a marriage, some days it was blissful and smooth and he'd speak to it softly with great sensitivity. Other days he would be pleading for cooperation or possibly giving it support, with a pep talk. He would prepare the mound to his satisfaction like a Zen Buddhist making his garden just right the help achieve total consciousness. The best part about all this is, he didn't let the press, the critics, or the fans(who loved every bit of it) change his ways. His mound grooming was a liturgy to the game he loved and respected. If he was going to go for total consciousness, it had to be just right.
Speaking of mound grooming(sorry, couldn't let that one pass) Marilyn Chambers was the same way. She approached her job(or jobs) with such focus and concentration that it gave a rise to an industry that spent most of it's time lurking in the shadows of America's underground. Chambers set the standard for other adult film actors like Jenna Jameson, who used it as a target and further raised the bar hitting it. In my youth,  I ruined my vision trying to get a glimpse through the scrambled mess of pay TV, of Chamber's dazzling performance in what I consider her best work, "Insatiable". The pool table scene is still a classic. I later wore out a VHS tape of the epic. ether it was "Inside Marilyn Chambers", "Up And Coming", or her first classic, "Behind The Green Door. She always seemed like she gave it 110%.  Because she loved it.  Movies like those a helped the Adult Film industry become a multi billion dollar business. Much like Fidrych resuscitated baseball in Detroit.Â
Both people were about as real and spirited as there respective fans. That's why they were loved and will always be a part of history.  Below is a great interview with "The Bird" from 1985. I would include a sample of Ms. Chambers work, but our corporate lawyers aren't as enthusiastic about her work as I am. Maybe they should try a little mound grooming for total consciousness.
Could Easter be the most violent and evil holiday we celebrate? A man who claimed to be the son of God is severely beaten and NAILED to a cross where he is left to die a slow and painful death. His corpse then becomes re-animated after a few days in a cave. The people who follow him spend the next 2000 years pretending to drink his blood and eat his body while being constantly threatened with apocalypse upon his return.
Every year at this time thousands of unborn chickens are boiled in their shells and then festively colored. They are then hidden and used for a competitive hunt. Then a pigs flesh is consumed followed by the likeness of a rabbit. The symbol of fertility is usually eaten head first and gnawed on until sickness sets in and the remains are left with shreds of the foil it was wrapped in.Â
I personally lead a yearly genocidal rampage against a product I believe is funded by the same companies that manufacture medication for diabetes. These "Peeps" are lined up on a plate, with various colors arranged in a particular order and then radiated in a microwave oven until they balloon to the size of tennis balls. The blistered remains are allowed to cool and petrify, forming distorted clown faces or decorative sugary wreaths of death. Some give these as gifts. I prefer to stand above the parched cretins and laugh maniacally while my daughter cries in anguish.
The festive pastels that adorn Easter decorations are a deranged contrast to the violent and terrifying reality of the savage rituals.
Through all this crazed tradition I find solace in the one element of this cruel holiday. The Reese'sPeanut Butter Egg. Unlike it's less than Divine brother, the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, the RPBE is a creamy ambrosial rapture. It is the Moses to the Cup's Aaron.  If I had the means, I would build a glorious temple in it's honor. If it told me to build an ark and collect the worlds living creatures by two, male and female, I would do so exultantly. I would lead great armies against those who questioned it's greatness and torture those enthusiastically who dared not bow before it's delicious greatness. I would thrice weekly, eat it's body, and after throwing a few in a food processor with some vanilla ice cream, drink it's blood.Â
I await Mel Gibson's cinematic interpretation.
                                                                          Â
Click this link to get the New Nine Inch Nails Album, "Strobelight"
Did you get it? Yeah I fell for it too. Very funny Mr. Reznor. Boy he really thinks Chris Cornell sucks. He even used the word "embarrassing". Chris Cornell's twitter response was very Joaquin Phoenix like. I think this is a giant cross promotion. Trent Reznor has stated Nine Inch Nails will "go away for awhile" after this summer's tour with Jane's Addiction. I think Reznor and Cornell have a project in the works for next year. By creating a fued between them, it would make a collaboration between enemies even more appealing. Not to mention the vast talent between both of them.                                                                                                          Â
Â
Is it wrong that The Colbert Report and The Daily Show have been getting the biggest Kudos for their coverage of current news? Shouldn't those go to one of the major networks that has had a long tradition of journalistic integrity? Seriously, I don't know where to get my news anymore. Fox is far right, MSNBC is left, CNN is goofy, News papers aren't up to the minute, and the Internet....well...it's not for news, am I supposed to believe some whinning asshole blogger that is pissed because the robot he voted for didn't win? The Internet provides the one thing that will never lie: Porn.Â
Will history show that journalists of the most free country in the world during the early 21st century were shown up by two actor/comedians?
Between the Beck beating and The White House correspondents speech, Colbert is the best. Plus he had Rush on his show. Kudos....I just realised...I hate that word.
Â
Check out this article about the controversy over the name "Swine" Flu:
No Swine Left Behind
This is getting stranger by the hour. So, no actual pigs have this flu?( there go all my pig f#$%ing jokes) it comes from Birds and Humans? Or flying pigs! If that's true, expect alot of shit to go down. Axl may just get back together with Slash, or the Turnpike tolls will come down.Â
The pig farmers are freaking out because it's hurting business. The Jews and The Muslims are freaking out because their religions prohibit them from even saying "Swine". Obviously the CDC got the whole name thing wrong. Either way, if you get it, it might kill you, whether it's called 'Swine" or the "Cute Kitty Flu". What else could we name it? We need your help. The whole wide pig loving world needs your help! Leave some suggestions in the comment section below. We'll pick the best one and send you a free bag of Pork Rinds. The world and the "Swine" thank you.
I, like many others hope and pray that they turn the Craigslist Killer story into an HBO mini-series. It should be easier than a happy ending from an exotic masseuse. All the good parts are already written: Nerdy, preppy, pre-med student with a sexually charged obsession to dominate mixed with an out of control gambling habit compounded by skyrocketing student loan debt snaps and robs prostitutes with one encounter getting out of hand all the while his angelical fiance denies his dark side....whewwww. Can all that be squeezed into a 30 second promo? I'm thinking Michael Cera as Phillip Markoff and Ellen page as the fiance. It could be like a sequel to "Juno". Now that we know he was sending pictures of his junk to prospective tranny enthusiasts it could be a full blown major motion picture. Jud Apatow's "Craig's Bucket List", a feel good romantic comedy about things to do before taking the plunge with a girl who has no idea about your huge debts. Or the Farrelly Brothers "Rubbin' One Out", a wacky romantic comedy about growing up and the misadventures of a pre-med student who befriends a tranny exotic masseuse who might lose her/his massage table if they don't come up with thousands for the mob. Or,(cue the late Don LaFontaine) "Prison Is Better Than Marriage", Form the producers of "There Will Be Blood" and "Meatballs 4".
Would this be such an appealing story if it were a part-time Auto Parts Delivery guy from Ayer who was robbing and killing hookers at a shitty motel known for prostitution and drug use? This question didn't hit me until someone in the media said it was a shame that the alleged victim, Julissa Brisman, was murdered because she was so pretty. If it was a meth head tranny hooker with a black eye and 30 pounds under weight would they feel the same? The other two alleged victims were selling sex on-line. Brisman didn't have the chance. And what about the golden boy Markoff? He supposedly had everything to live for, B.U. pre-med, lovely fiance, fun at poker night. Would it be different if he had nothing going for him?  Would the story be worthy of a 5 minute meeting with the Weinstiens? Or would we all write it off as people who had it coming?
                                              Â
I watched "Dancing With The Stars" for the first time last night. I was with my Mother, who is a huge fan, and my wife(who is a closet fan) Along with "American Idol", this has to be the most corn laden turd American television has produced in the history of the medium. For the love of Rip Taylor, why is this one of the highest rated shows?Â
First of all, this is "Dancing With The STARS", right? Where are the stars? Maybe I'm out of touch but this is obviously a fruit basket of favors being done for agents to prop up the mediocre section of their stables. Yes, Lil' Kim is very recognizable, and I could watch her jiggle for at least 65 minutes, but who are these other dolts? I can't even remember their names. That might be an instinctive self preservation reaction to conserve brain cells for practical burning later. Now Lil' Kim may need the money, but LT...LT! Why LT? Why? Are you back on the white pony? Are the drug dealers calling in their debts? Are you being blackmailed by hookers? Football Hall Of Famer, Super Bowl Champion, 3 time Defensive Player Of The Year. It's got to be the money.Â
All the contestants look like their in one of those Al-Queda hostage videos with a gun against the back of their head. That would actually be more interesting. Maybe not death as a penalty for elimination, but loss of a limb or torture of a family pet.Â
Sure the girls are hot. I don't know who most of them are, but they are very easy on the eyes. But if I wanted a cheap sexual thrill I'd hit the Internet for some on demand porn or Craigslist for a quick rub down and bondage session in a swank Boston hotel.Â
Yet this is one of the most popular shows on that giant sphincter called television. America has it's face right in ABC's anus, and is prostrate with mouth open like they're re-enacting "2 Girls, One Cup". This must be what it's like to smoke crack. Irrational helotry to a mind numbing opiate. Times are tougher than I thought. America doesn't have enough money to buy crack so they turn to a cheaper and worse narcotic. Please just bring back Gladiator fights. We're already half way there with the UFC. Give us Circus Maximus instead of broadcastus succubus.
Even worse?...LT got eliminated. See you on "Surgery With The Stars".
Take a look at this article. It will make your struggles during this crappy economy seem a little less arduous:
10 Celebrities Who Are Poorer Than You
Nowhere else in the world do they relish the slovenly fall of the celebrity than here in the USA. This country builds the biggest and best celebrities by far. One week we love the soulful virginity of Susan Boyle. Then we find out she owes on parking tickets or has participated in a satanic orgy involving cake farting, and the slow and sweet destruction begins. Why is it we feel the need to revel in the downward slide of the famous? Or the select famous? Bruce Springsteen cheats on his wife, but he's America's songsmith, so we give him a pass.
I believe it's all about Karma. I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but I believe what comes around....well you know. To me, kids are the ultimate in karma. If you were shitty to your parents, your kids will be shitty to you, and your parents will laugh and laugh and laugh....
As far as the above list, it seems like karma is the reason for their downward spiral...oh yeah...and drugs. Don Johnson was on top of the world in the 80's with "Miami Vice". He inspired millions of perfectly reasonable men to wear pastels and roll up the sleeves on their blazers. That's not the reason for his downfall though. It was the delusional belief that many get when awarded with great fame, that they can sing.
Holy crap does that suck! Don Johnson is now suffering for the painful caterwauling he unleashed on the citizens of the world in the 80's. Hasslehoff is going through a similar hell. It's called being "big in Germany".
Mike Tyson raped and beat and robbed people. Not as bad as OJ killing his wife and pirating satellite dishes. But Michael Vick killed dogs. Sometimes killing pets is worse than killing humans in this country.Â
Kim Bassinger bought a small town in Georgia and wanted to be queen. Look for her Oscar on e-bay. MC Hammer surrounded himself with more yes men than George W. Bush and paid them more than my house is worth. Anita Bryant is an Orange Juice guzzling bigot. But why Gary Coleman.
What did Gary do to deserve the wrath of a merciless celebrity fellating public? He was victimized by his parents, the people we are supposed to trust the most. He was plagued by bad management and accountants. He was ridiculed for trying to work for a living as a security guard. I think Gary Coleman was victimized by society because he was short. Or not short enough. If he was freakishly short like that guy who hung out with Pedro Martinez we would think he was cute and pay him $10 to get a picture with him. As the song says, "The World Don't Move, To The Beat Of Just One Drum, What Might Be Right For You, Might Not Be Right For Some."Â
Maybe bad grammar killed Gary Coleman's career?
               Â
America lost two great Icons this week. Former MLB pitcher, Mark "The Bird" Fidrych, and Adult Film Legend, Marilyn Chambers. They were both genius in their respective professions because they approached the Job with what some like to call "Verve".Â
Fidrych, the pride of Worcester Academy, had the stuff and proved it in his rookie year with the Tigers. But he was most known for his eccentric behaviour on the field. He would have deep relationships with the ball in every game. It was like a marriage, some days it was blissful and smooth and he'd speak to it softly with great sensitivity. Other days he would be pleading for cooperation or possibly giving it support, with a pep talk. He would prepare the mound to his satisfaction like a Zen Buddhist making his garden just right the help achieve total consciousness. The best part about all this is, he didn't let the press, the critics, or the fans(who loved every bit of it) change his ways. His mound grooming was a liturgy to the game he loved and respected. If he was going to go for total consciousness, it had to be just right.
Speaking of mound grooming(sorry, couldn't let that one pass) Marilyn Chambers was the same way. She approached her job(or jobs) with such focus and concentration that it gave a rise to an industry that spent most of it's time lurking in the shadows of America's underground. Chambers set the standard for other adult film actors like Jenna Jameson, who used it as a target and further raised the bar hitting it. In my youth,  I ruined my vision trying to get a glimpse through the scrambled mess of pay TV, of Chamber's dazzling performance in what I consider her best work, "Insatiable". The pool table scene is still a classic. I later wore out a VHS tape of the epic. ether it was "Inside Marilyn Chambers", "Up And Coming", or her first classic, "Behind The Green Door. She always seemed like she gave it 110%.  Because she loved it.  Movies like those a helped the Adult Film industry become a multi billion dollar business. Much like Fidrych resuscitated baseball in Detroit.Â
Both people were about as real and spirited as there respective fans. That's why they were loved and will always be a part of history.  Below is a great interview with "The Bird" from 1985. I would include a sample of Ms. Chambers work, but our corporate lawyers aren't as enthusiastic about her work as I am. Maybe they should try a little mound grooming for total consciousness.
Could Easter be the most violent and evil holiday we celebrate? A man who claimed to be the son of God is severely beaten and NAILED to a cross where he is left to die a slow and painful death. His corpse then becomes re-animated after a few days in a cave. The people who follow him spend the next 2000 years pretending to drink his blood and eat his body while being constantly threatened with apocalypse upon his return.
Every year at this time thousands of unborn chickens are boiled in their shells and then festively colored. They are then hidden and used for a competitive hunt. Then a pigs flesh is consumed followed by the likeness of a rabbit. The symbol of fertility is usually eaten head first and gnawed on until sickness sets in and the remains are left with shreds of the foil it was wrapped in.Â
I personally lead a yearly genocidal rampage against a product I believe is funded by the same companies that manufacture medication for diabetes. These "Peeps" are lined up on a plate, with various colors arranged in a particular order and then radiated in a microwave oven until they balloon to the size of tennis balls. The blistered remains are allowed to cool and petrify, forming distorted clown faces or decorative sugary wreaths of death. Some give these as gifts. I prefer to stand above the parched cretins and laugh maniacally while my daughter cries in anguish.
The festive pastels that adorn Easter decorations are a deranged contrast to the violent and terrifying reality of the savage rituals.
Through all this crazed tradition I find solace in the one element of this cruel holiday. The Reese'sPeanut Butter Egg. Unlike it's less than Divine brother, the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, the RPBE is a creamy ambrosial rapture. It is the Moses to the Cup's Aaron.  If I had the means, I would build a glorious temple in it's honor. If it told me to build an ark and collect the worlds living creatures by two, male and female, I would do so exultantly. I would lead great armies against those who questioned it's greatness and torture those enthusiastically who dared not bow before it's delicious greatness. I would thrice weekly, eat it's body, and after throwing a few in a food processor with some vanilla ice cream, drink it's blood.Â
I await Mel Gibson's cinematic interpretation.
                                                                          Â
Click this link to get the New Nine Inch Nails Album, "Strobelight"
Did you get it? Yeah I fell for it too. Very funny Mr. Reznor. Boy he really thinks Chris Cornell sucks. He even used the word "embarrassing". Chris Cornell's twitter response was very Joaquin Phoenix like. I think this is a giant cross promotion. Trent Reznor has stated Nine Inch Nails will "go away for awhile" after this summer's tour with Jane's Addiction. I think Reznor and Cornell have a project in the works for next year. By creating a fued between them, it would make a collaboration between enemies even more appealing. Not to mention the vast talent between both of them.                                                                                                          Â
Â
Is it wrong that The Colbert Report and The Daily Show have been getting the biggest Kudos for their coverage of current news? Shouldn't those go to one of the major networks that has had a long tradition of journalistic integrity? Seriously, I don't know where to get my news anymore. Fox is far right, MSNBC is left, CNN is goofy, News papers aren't up to the minute, and the Internet....well...it's not for news, am I supposed to believe some whinning asshole blogger that is pissed because the robot he voted for didn't win? The Internet provides the one thing that will never lie: Porn.Â
Will history show that journalists of the most free country in the world during the early 21st century were shown up by two actor/comedians?
Between the Beck beating and The White House correspondents speech, Colbert is the best. Plus he had Rush on his show. Kudos....I just realised...I hate that word.
Check out this article about the controversy over the name "Swine" Flu:
angelical fiance denies his dark side....whewwww. Can all that be squeezed into a 30 second promo? I'm thinking Michael Cera as Phillip Markoff and Ellen page as the fiance. It could be like a sequel to "Juno". Now that we know he was sending pictures of his junk to prospective tranny enthusiasts it could be a full blown major motion picture. Jud Apatow's "Craig's Bucket List", a feel good romantic comedy about things to do before taking the plunge with a girl who has no idea about your huge debts. Or the Farrelly Brothers "Rubbin' One Out", a wacky romantic comedy about growing up and the misadventures of a pre-med student who befriends a tranny exotic masseuse who might lose her/his massage table if they don't come up with thousands for the mob. Or,(cue the late Don LaFontaine) "Prison Is Better Than Marriage", Form the producers of "There Will Be Blood" and "Meatballs 4".
Would this be such an appealing story if it were a part-time Auto Parts Delivery guy from Ayer who was robbing and killing hookers at a shitty motel known for prostitution and drug use? This question didn't hit me until someone in the media said it was a shame that the alleged victim, Julissa Brisman, was murdered because she was so pretty. If it was a meth head tranny hooker with a black eye and 30 pounds under weight would they feel the same? The other two alleged victims were selling sex on-line. Brisman didn't have the chance. And what about the golden boy Markoff? He supposedly had everything to live for, B.U. pre-med, lovely fiance, fun at poker night. Would it be different if he had nothing going for him?  Would the story be worthy of a 5 minute meeting with the Weinstiens? Or would we all write it off as people who had it coming?
I watched "Dancing With The Stars" for the first time last night. I was with my Mother, who is a huge fan, and my wife(who is a closet fan) Along with "American Idol", this has to be the most corn laden turd American television has produced in the history of the medium. For the love of Rip Taylor, why is this one of the highest rated shows?Â
First of all, this is "Dancing With The STARS", right? Where are the stars? Maybe I'm out of touch but this is obviously a fruit basket of favors being done for agents to prop up the mediocre section of their stables. Yes, Lil' Kim
is very recognizable, and I could watch her jiggle for at least 65 minutes, but who are these other dolts? I can't even remember their names. That might be an instinctive self preservation reaction to conserve brain cells for practical burning later. Now Lil' Kim may need the money, but LT...LT! 
Mike Tyson raped and beat and robbed people. Not as bad as OJ killing his wife and pirating satellite dishes. But Michael Vick killed dogs. Sometimes killing pets is worse than killing humans in this country.Â
Kim Bassinger bought a small town in Georgia and wanted to be queen. Look for her Oscar on e-bay. MC Hammer surrounded himself with more yes men than George W. Bush and paid them more than my house is worth. Anita Bryant is an Orange Juice guzzling bigot. But why Gary Coleman.
What did Gary do to deserve the wrath of a merciless celebrity fellating public? He was victimized by his parents, the people we are supposed to trust the most. He was plagued by bad management and accountants. He was ridiculed for trying to work for a living as a security guard. I think Gary Coleman was victimized by society because he was short. Or not short
enough. If he was freakishly short like that guy who hung out with Pedro Martinez we would think he was cute and pay him $10 to get a picture with him. As the song says, "The World Don't Move, To The Beat Of Just One Drum, What Might Be Right For You, Might Not Be Right For Some."Â
Maybe bad grammar killed Gary Coleman's career?
America lost two great Icons this week. Former MLB pitcher, Mark "
Fidrych, the pride of Worcester Academy, had 
Speaking of mound grooming(sorry, couldn't let that one pass) Marilyn Chambers was the same way. She approached her job(or jobs) with such focus and concentration that it gave a rise to an industry that spent most of it's time lurking in the shadows of America's underground. Chambers set the standard for other adult film actors like Jenna Jameson, who used it as a target and further raised the bar hitting it. In my youth,  I ruined my vision trying to get a glimpse through the scrambled mess of pay TV, of Chamber's dazzling performance in what I consider her best work, "Insatiable". The pool table scene is still a classic. I later wore out a VHS tape of the epic. ether it was "Inside Marilyn Chambers", "Up And Coming", or her first classic, "Behind The Green Door. She always seemed like she gave it 110%.  Because she loved it.  Movies like those a helped the Adult Film industry become a multi billion dollar business. Much like Fidrych resuscitated baseball in Detroit.Â
Both people were about as real and spirited as there respective fans. That's why they were loved and will always be a part of history.  Below is a great interview with "The Bird" from 1985. I would include a sample of Ms. Chambers work, but our corporate lawyers aren't as enthusiastic about her work as I am. Maybe they should try a little mound grooming for total consciousness.
Could Easter be the most violent and evil holiday we celebrate? A man who claimed to be the son of God is severely beaten and NAILED to a cross where he is left to die a slow and painful death. His corpse then becomes re-animated after a few days in a cave. The people who follow him spend the next 2000 years pretending to drink his blood and eat his body while being constantly threatened with apocalypse upon his return.
Every year at this time thousands of unborn chickens are boiled in their shells and then festively colored. They are then hidden and used for a competitive hunt. Then a pigs flesh is consumed followed by the likeness of a rabbit. The 
symbol of fertility is usually eaten head first and gnawed on until sickness sets in and the remains are left with shreds of the foil it was wrapped in.Â
I personally lead a yearly genocidal rampage against a product I believe is funded by the same companies that manufacture medication for diabetes. These "Peeps" are lined up on a plate, with various colors arranged in a 
particular order and then radiated in a microwave oven until they balloon to the size of tennis balls. The blistered remains are allowed to cool and petrify, forming distorted clown faces or decorative sugary wreaths of death. Some give these as gifts. I prefer to stand above the parched cretins and laugh maniacally while my daughter cries in anguish.
The festive pastels that adorn Easter decorations are a deranged contrast to the violent and terrifying reality of the savage rituals.
Through all this crazed tradition I find solace in the one element of this cruel holiday. The Reese'sPeanut Butter Egg. Unlike it's less than Divine brother, the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, the RPBE is a creamy ambrosial rapture. It is the Moses to the Cup's Aaron.  If I had the means, I would build a glorious temple in it's honor. If it told me to build an ark and collect the worlds living creatures by two, male and female, I would do so exultantly. I would lead great armies against those who questioned it's greatness and torture those enthusiastically who dared not bow before it's delicious greatness. I would thrice weekly, eat it's body, and after throwing a few in a food processor with some vanilla ice cream, drink it's blood.Â
I await Mel Gibson's cinematic interpretation.
                                                                           
Click this link to get the New Nine Inch Nails Album, "
