FRIDAY FINAL THOUGHTS: Here’s some things we didn’t get to on the show today before I get out of here for the weekend!
HERE’S TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, TONIGHT IS KINDA SPECIAL: The Live Free or Die state is kicking our ass again, this time when it comes to beer. New Hampshire has finished at the top of the list of Beer Drinking States, according to new figures released from the Beer Institute. The average Granite State boozer consumes 40 gallons of beer a year. And why wouldn’t they? It snows like a mother F’er all the time up there, there’s no major league sports teams to root for, your closest neighbors are 3 miles away, and if you want to go to a bar that has more than 8 people who aren’t guys in it, you have to drive to Manchester. Congratulations, New Hampshire, you’ve cornered the market on beer drinking and cars in yards up on blocks. Next up: teen pregnancy.
IS ANYTHING DONE BY A KARDASHIAN EVER ACCIDENTAL? Yes, Kourtney, we know you were on the balcony and a sudden gust of wind “accidentally” blew up your skirt. Yes, we know you just happened to be panty-less or wearing the tiniest thong known to man. Oh, and we are totally on to you and your family of fakers. All of us.
HOW MANY CHILD BRIDES CAN WE SAVE THIS YEAR? There is an amazing stat out from Dailymail.com today: Every day, twenty five thousand girls under the age of 18 are married off, and soon impregnated, around the world. Mostly third world places like Uganda, Chad and Mississippi. Check out this looker and his lovely new wife who just finished playing patty-cake with her friends before the ceremony:
What a wedding night those two must of have had! Dinner at four at the camel barn, one of hour of Matlock on Al Jazeera and then straight to bed. We must save these child brides immediately.
AMERICA COMES UP SHORT AGAIN:
According to information we learned on today’s show, American penises rank 96th out of 116 countries when it comes to length. How did this happen? First, we get our ass kicked by the Japanese when it comes to technology, then we’re borrowing all our money from China, and now this? The study, conducted by Dr. Richard Lynn at Ulster University in England, ranks countries and their respective junk. The Congo kicks ass in the Dick Olympics, with a strong 7 inch finish. American men thrust their way in to the survey with a mere 5.1 inches average when erect. It must have something to do with obesity, right? We’ve finally done it-we’ve eaten our way to smaller penises. If there is any justice in the world, however, it is that the world’s smallest penises are those of an Axis of Evil nation, North Korea. We have new trash talk to use when they start trying to get cute with Nukes. This is something Mitt Romney can run on and win. “We must restore American penises to Superpower status”.
TODAY’S KING OF MANTOWN: Check out this video of Arnold Swartzenegger on “60 Minutes” last night.
Basically, the guy was smashing everything that moved on the set throughout his entire acting career. Then, when he got out of movies, he grabbed whatever was handy, like the household help. And then…when Maria caught him, he basically pulled the old “I made a mistake and I never focus on mistakes” line. It’s brilliant. He’s basically saying that whenever he does something stupid, like impregnating the maid, he never thinks about it again. Just pays the chick and tells her the duvet is a little dusty. I, for one, am a little surprised that he had sex with Brigitte Neilson. I never thought she was hot. Not even in Cobra. Arnold probably liked her cuz he thought she could kick his ass.
HOMELAND’S BACK: The greatest show on television made it’s triumphant return for the 2nd season last night. If you are sick of me telling you how incredible this show is, too bad. Here are my predictions for the upcoming season:
Nicolas: will start a steamy affair with the hot muslim terrorist news lady who interviewed him last night.
Carrie: will go completely off the deep end while in Lebanon, and kill some randoms that she thinks are terrorists.
Jessica Brody: disgusted that Nicolas is a muslim, she will have an affair with VP William Walden
Saul: gets killed in the 2nd to last episode of the season trying to protect Carrie
Dana Brody: converts to a muslim, and starts to become her dad’s ally when it comes to his mission
That’s the way it would be if I wrote it anyway. (Airs Sunday’s at 10 on Showtime.)