There's a website called WotWentWrong for people who want advice on unsuccessful relationships, and they came up with the top ten reasons men and women get dumped. The most common excuse women hear when someone breaks up with them is, quote, "I'm not ready for a relationship." When guys get dumped, the most common reason is that the woman found someone else.
#1.) The guy isn't ready for a relationship.
#2.) She has bad hygiene.
#3.) The guy doesn't feel like he's a priority.
#4.) They fight too much.
#5.) He thinks her sex drive is too low.
#6.) She's always late.
#7.) He met someone else.
#8.) She's a bad kisser.
#9.) The guy doesn't see a future with her.
#10.) She's too hairy.
--And the top reasons guys get dumped are:
#1.) She found someone else.
#2.) She thinks their eating habits are too different.
#3.) He's too high-maintenance.
#4.) He's too short.
#5.) He doesn't make enough to support the lifestyle she wants.
KATHIE LEE GIFFORD made a pretty huge mistake on the "Today" show yesterday. She and HODA KOTB were interviewing MARTIN SHORT and Kathie Lee started asking him about his wife.
--She said, quote, "You and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business. How many years now for you guys?"
--The thing is, Martin's wife DIED TWO YEARS AGO. But he didn't correct her. He just kind of rolled with it. He said, quote, "We, uh . . . married . . . 36 years."
--Kathie Lee replied, quote, "But you're still, like, in love," and Martin replied, quote, "Madly in love."
--Kathie Lee said, quote, "Why?" . . . and Martin answered, quote, "Cute. I'm cute."
--Kathie Lee later apologized for her error on-air, saying Martin corrected her after the interview. But he wasn't upset at all. In fact, he told her that he had one of the greatest marriages . . . and he STILL DOES.
#1.) We've all smelled OLD PERSON SMELL, but kind of assumed it was some mix of moth balls, decorative soaps, cabbage soup, and unwrapped butterscotch candies. It's not. It's actually a real body odor thing.
--Researchers in Philadelphia found that people were able to identify whether someone was under 75 or over 75 just based on their smell. They believe our body odor does slightly change as we age, and our noses pick that up.
#2.) Want to quit smoking? You have your best chance as a younger woman or an older man. A new study in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. found that women in their 20s and 30s and men over 60 have the highest success rates in quitting.
--The researchers believe it could be a matter of having SERIOUS motivation. Women have their best motivation to quit when they're younger and pregnant . . . men's best motivation comes when they're older and it's either QUIT OR DIE.
#3.) American heads just keep getting bigger. Must be because we keep getting smarter, right? A study out of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville found that the average U.S. head has grown about 0.3 inches in the past 150 years.
--That sounds small, but it's significant . . . the researchers don't have a theory why our heads are expanding like this.
BOB DYLAN was at the White House yesterday so PRESIDENT OBAMA could give him a Medal of Freedom . . . America's highest civilian honor. 12 other people also got one, including former astronaut John Glenn, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, and former University of Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summitt.
Has anyone EVER made a big order at a Taco Bell drive-thru and had them get it 100% right? I know I'VE never been that lucky.
On Memorial Day, a 23-year-old in Ohio went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and was ENRAGED after they forgot one of his 99-cent tacos. So he decided to CRASH HIS TRUCK into the front door of the restaurant. He shattered some windows and broke the wall. Police followed a trail of leaking fluid from the Taco Bell to his house, and arrested him for felony vandalism. Late night on Memorial Day, 23-year-old Michael Smith of Huber Heights, Ohio went through a Taco Bell drive-thru. And, as most people would expect, they got his order wrong. They forgot one of his 99-cent tacos. So Michael drove his truck back through and told them he didn't get one of his tacos. They apologized and gave it to him. But apparently that wasn't good enough. In a RAGE, Michael decided to CRASH HIS TRUCK into the front door of the Taco Bell. He shattered some windows and broke the wall then he drove off. But he messed up his car in the process, and leaked a trail of fluid from the Taco Bell back to his house. The cops followed the trail and arrested him for felony vandalism.
Websites like Match.com are filled with advice on what you should and shouldn't do when you're dating online. But Guyism.com has a new list that's pretty good. Here are four things you should NEVER mention in your online dating profile.
#1.) Anything Stressful. Remember, the people who read your profile haven't even met you yet. So there's no need to open up about your crazy family, or how hard life is in general.
--As far as your profile goes, you should keep things light, and only list the GOOD things about yourself.
#2.) How Frustrated You Are with Dating. Don't talk about how hard dating is, or how it's impossible to find the right person. It'll just turn people off and make it seem like YOU'RE the problem . . . not the people you've been dating.
#3.) An Embarrassing Hobby You Have. It's fine to talk about it on your first date . . . once they've at least met you and know you're PROBABLY not a psycho.
--But if you mention something like Renaissance fairs in your profile, you might not GET a first date. (--Either that, or you'll find your SOUL MATE.)
#4.) That You're a Very Sexual Person. Don't even ALLUDE to sex in your profile. If you're a woman, you'll get a ton of responses . . . but not from anyone you'd want to have a RELATIONSHIP with.
--If you're a guy, you won't get ANY responses . . . or at least not from anyone you'd want to sleep with.
According to a new survey, the average person feels MOST ADVENTUROUS at age 29. Only they can't actually AFFORD to have an adventure then, so the age when most people actually DO have one is 41. Going on a safari is the most popular adventure rock climbing is second. Because adventures ain't cheap. So even though people want to go on adventures when they're 29, the age when most people actually DO go on one is 41. More than half say money is the reason for the delay. Being too tied down to work was the second-most common excuse family commitments came in third. The most popular adventure is going on a safari. Rock climbing is second . . . and learning a new skill like ballroom dancing is third.
WEDNESDAY FINAL THOUGHTS: Since it’s a blow off week because of the Memorial Day weekend, here are your Friday Final Thought early so I can get the hell out of here Friday and go to Ocean Park:
POTENTIAL MACGYVER FEATURE FILM PLOT: Since Hollywood won’t rest until they take every sitcom that has ever aired and turn it into a full length feature film, I think I have the perfect plot for the “MacGyver Project” when they get around to it. Check out the story of a French man the media is only identifying as Emile, who was driving his Citroen through the city of Tan-Tan, Morocco in North Africa. To avoid a military blockade, Emile cut through the Sahara desert. During the drive, he bent the axle and damaged the car’s frame, leaving him stranded. So, what does the guy do? Disassembles his vehicle and uses the parts to build a motorcycle, which he then rode back to safety. It took him 12 days! Are you kidding me? I wish I could do this kind of shit. I take my car to the mechanic when I run out of washer fluid. I wouldn’t even have the tools to take the car apart, never mind the knowledge to build the motorcycle. No idea how much duct tape he used but here’s a photo of the rescue vehicle:
OBSESSED WITH MILEY PART ONE: A lot of you have been asking “are you guys obsessed with Miley Cyrus”. The answer is yes. Many of you say in an outraged tone “what if that were your daughter” and I say “I’d be rich”. It’s clear from today’s highly discussed photo that Miley is setting a new course for straight sex bomb. Shedding the lovable teenage Disney star image and going full bore SIDEBOOB addict.
Is it iggy to stare? I don’t think so. She’s the one throwing it out there. Sure, she was a teenager once and everyone talked about how gross it was to look at her. But she clearly wants us to embrace her as a desirable, fertile baby maker.
OBSESSED WITH MILEY PART TWO: Ms. Cyrus’s next film, “LOL: Laughing out loud”, will contain her first ever sex scene. Miley told The Sun that she did extra “workouts to make her boobs bigger, perk them up”. Are we to assume then that we will see them? The movie sounds like it’s target audience is 16-23 year old girls. So it will be odd when the tickets are predominantly bought by 45 year old perv men like myself.
TODAY, I WANT TO BE THIS DUDE: This is 60 year old international jeweler and playboy, Fawaz Gruosi. Currently smashing Tara Reid on the reg. They were recently seen “frolicking” on his yacht in Cannes. First of all, “frolicking”? No one over the age of 30 “frolics”. I’m 45 and there’s no way I have the energy to “frolic”. What they mean is this dude sits around on his yacht while a hammered Tara Reid orally “frolics” in his lap. I mean, look at the expression on his face
He’s basically like “I can’t believe I’m being photographed with this mess. Get back on my yacht and frolic nude for my old, rich friends.” He probably wishes he never stopped by his free jewelry party at the film festival and met her in the first place. Tara once dated Tom Brady….who will look at this picture and think about what could have been.
Happy early Memorial Day Weekend! Tune in Friday for a tribute to the “Greatest Generation” that will not feature Tom Brokaw.
Updates on the show, the news, and general stuff before I fly out of here to break the course record (again) at Hopkinton CC:
WHEEL OF GRILLED CHEESE: Today’s show gave me a million dollar idea. A national chain of grilled cheese and gefilte fish restaurants. I would call it “Cheeses Is Our Messiah”. Check out the video of today’s Guy Fieri live cheese fest (check the site Monday) at our cafeteria here. For some weird reason, Spaz was dry heaving every time a food substance touched his lips. Has to be the fact that he never actually gets to eat anything besides boiled chicken and Government cheese sandwiches.
DAMN YOU ZUCKERBERG: As you read this, Mark Zuckerberg is probably the richest man in the world. All anyone has been talking about is this Facebook IPO. In fact, when you’re out this weekend, just start talking about how many shares you bought and say something like “as far as IPO’s go normally for me, this is a homerun”. The lamest part of this whole thing is that the people who made Facebook worth 100 Billion dollars today have absolutely no hope of even smelling a chance of buying some of this stock. TD Ameritrade, for instance, is only selling shares to clients with a minimum $250,000 account balance. Do you think the Facebook addicted 99 percenters will call for Zuckerberg’s head when they figure this out? Me, either.
U-2 COULD BE A BILLIONAIRE: Speaking of 1 percenters, when this Facebook thing is done today, Bono will be the richest musician in the world. He owns 2.3% of Facebook stock, which will be worth a cool 1.5 Billion or so by the end of the day today. I think he has definitely found what he’s looking for.
SHOW MO THE MONEY: Spaz was definitely not Rod Tidwell like during Wednesday’s PRO VS MOE event at Harvard University. If you haven’t seen the video yet, watch it below:
Thanks to Julian Edelman and Ryan Mallet of the Patriots for reminding all of us that we definitely could not have been professional athletes.
I DEFINITELY DON’T WATCH “GLEE”: I know, I know….you don’t watch it. You’re always watching the B’s, or the C’s or the Pats or the Sox. Or “Game of Thrones”. But check out this newly released shot of Naya Rivera when she appeared on “Wild World of Spike” in 2007. You’ll look at her cheerleading skills in a whole new light. When you aren’t watching “Glee”.
Have a great weekend. If you’re out and you smell Pina Colada lube, it’s just Spaz’s breath.
These pics were very popular on WAAF.com Thursday morning. This is, of course, one half of America’s Iggiest Couple, Courtney Stodden. She’s 17, her husband, actor Doug Hutchinson, is like 60. How great would Mother’s Day be if everyone dressed like this? Sure beats getting up early and making toast and scramble eggs doesn’t it? I know how it is in most houses. If you gave your wife something like that for Mother’s day she laugh you out of the house. Take that back to Fredricks of Hollywood and get me some jewelry. Thank you, Courtney, even though I think it’s illegal in some places to look at you.
Great news. In a stunning case of using common sense, our elected officials in this state got tired of the whole country laughing at us, and reversed the ridiculous law that would have prevented the sale of delicious baked goods, and sumptuous fat filled treats like pizza and hot dogs and chili at events on state school property. Until the slobs who work at the State House lay off the Double Downs, I’m eating what I want. What’s good for the goose and all that. Who wants to sit through a mighty mites youth football game with only a rice cake to chew on?
Ladies and Gentlemen… The next President of the United States of America. This dude got 40% of the vote in the Primary in West Virginia? Where did I go wrong? Starting at the local level and all that bullshit. How many politicians are wasting their time learning poly-sci at the Kennedy School of Government, working their way up from local to state to national office, when all they really need is a snappy hairdo and a criminal record. Congratulations, Keith Judd, the Governor commuted your sentence so you can get to Washington and start leading the people.
In case you missed the update….this is the guy who will help Spaz finally come to the realization that he wasn’t robbed of a professional sports career by poor coaching.
Next Wednesday, we will be at Harvard University for Pro vs Moe. The Mole Bowl 2012. The Fiesta Stink of Life Bowl. This is for all the marbles. Spaz really believes he can cover an NFL quality receiver wearing the same cleats he wore playing both ways for Woburn High. Edelman is no slouch…played QB for Kent State in college and is most likely the only guy to play on both sides of the ball in an AFC Championship Game. Join LB for the tailgate starting at 4am Wednesday!
Consider that, as a parent, we make choices every day that can affect our children later in their lives. Now, consider the case of this lovely woman… New Jersey mother Patricia Krentcil has been charged with felony child endangerment because police allege she put her six year old daughter in a tanning booth. New Jersey law prohibits anyone under the age of 14 from getting in a tanning booth and the Skin Police in Patricia’s hometown of Nutley, NJ ordered the code red as soon as the school nurse asked little 6 year old Anna how she got her sunburn.
Yes, we are all aware that too much sun is not optimal when it comes to caring for your skin. We know about the dangers of skin cancer. But is Patricia truly endangering her daughter’s life when she lets her get sun? If so, I know an awful lot of parents who better prepare for arrest at Cape Cod beaches in a couple months. I fully expect to see Homeland Security on the walkway to the Ocean Park beach this summer, checking beach bags to make sure moms have a crisis supply of SPF 80.
And if “Magda” can be charged with a felony for this, how long until you are dragged from your home by the authorities because you let your son ride his bike down the street without his helmet. Or allowed him to eat an extra slice of pizza when you were at Bertucci’s Friday night. Kids, unfortunately, lose their lives playing sports every year. Will we soon be turning soccer moms into convicted felons for allowing their kids to take part in risky activity?
Parents have an obligation, and a right, to bring their kids up as they see fit. The government does not have the right to force us to raise them as they see fit. Little Anna isn’t going to die because she got a sunburn. And its quite possible her fake-bake addicted mom is the only deterrent she needs when it comes to staying out of the tanning salon.
For the record, Patricia says Anna goes to the tanning salon with her, but doesn’t get in the booth, and this is just a big misunderstanding. So is why she thinks having the facial texture of a 48 year old African pachyderm is even mildly attractive.