BLOOD DOPING SCANDAL NUMBER ONE: What do you make of the Lance Armstrong decision, announced today, that he won’t fight the stripping of his record breaking seven Tour De France titles? I want him to fight it. If he’s innocent, I would think he would fight. Authorities say that ten of his teammates were ready to testify against him. That’s pretty damning. Although, he has never failed a test. He was, and I guess you have to say was, considered one of the greatest athletes of all time. Now, he will be considered a cheater. Will his new bracelets read “Live Wrong”?
BLOOD DOPING SCANDAL NUMBER TWO: Here’s the man who ruined your new porn session this weekend:
Mr. Marcus has admitted that he is patient zero when it comes to the syphilis outbreak that shut the porn industry down this week. Mr. Marcus got himself a shot of penicillin, and waited ten days before returning to the set. Problem is, you can still spread the syph until 90 days later. Mr. Marcus acknowledges lying to producers and partners about his STD test. Told them all was “a-ok” down there. So it doesn’t matter whether it’s professional cycling, or professional smashing, a real athlete will always do what it takes to win.
IRRATIONAL FEAR: PRIMATES IN SANTA SUITS: You know I’m terrified of primates. Well, this dude most likely is now, as well. This poor guy was attacked by his Macaque Monkey, JayJay, outside his home in Florida. Jimmy Schmall and his family used to dress the monkey up in diapers, Santa Suits and whatever else apparently floated their boat.
He even swam with their kids. I am constantly ridiculed for my irrational fears but it doesn’t seem so stupid to Mr. Schmall I bet. How is the 4 hour surgery to repair your monkey chewed arm and butt treating you today, sir? Monkees, and other amimals don’t like being locked in cages. As a Florida animal expert said “You cannot change a monkey into something it’s not”. Like Santa Claus.
STINK OF LIFE: This is the Beanie Baby Billionaire. Ty Warner. He was lost in Santa Barbra and pulled in to a parking lot to get directions. Ran into Jennifer Vasilakos, who was collecting donations for a rare stem cell treatment she needed to help her ailing kidneys. Mr. Warner gave her a 50 spot and then took off. Shortly thereafter, he sent a check for 20 grand! All I can think about is how unfair life is. Why couldn’t that have been Spaz in the parking lot, selling Magic The Gathering cards he stole from his kid’s Grandfather? Imagine if that 20,000 had been able to be used for something important, like furniture for Anthony’s house, or faux nuggets for Narium?