"Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death!"
I believe the above phrase came from the Dead Kennedys. It was the title of their "Best Of" compilation and a play on the proclamation, "Give me liberty or give me death" by Revolutionary Patrick Henry. The Dead Kennedys were making a comment on American consumerism. Instead of exploring their whole discography you could take the easier option and just get their best on one record. Maybe they were implying that consumers were lazy when it came to their entertainment. Or maybe they only had one album's worth of good songs?
I love convenience! It's the greatest! One stop shopping, on the way home, at the drive through, without having to stop and most of all, think, is the way to go. In that sense America is the World Leader of Convenience.
The State Of Pennsylvania is allowing Walmart to put Wine vending machines in some of their stores. I love it! Roll in, grab some underwear, a microwave, a can of Easy Cheese, and a jug of Cabernet. Shit yeah life is good! All you'll need to do is swipe your license to prove you're legal, blow into a breathalyzer to prove you haven't been over served, and look directly into a security camera so the Asst. Manager can visually confirm you're not a derelict. Seems like alot of work just to have a little vino with your prepared Walmeal. You could just go to the liquor store right? But the fucking convenience is undeniable!
Then I remembered Walmart is also teaming up with Homeland Security for the "See Something, Say Something" program. This program encourages Americans to report suspicious activity to the authorities. It's a campaign that's being used at airports, bus terminals, and train stations. While you're at the check out with your garden hose and training bra, you will be able to see a video with our Homeland Security director, Janet Napolitano, telling Walmart shoppers to be vigilant. You know what this means? Terrorists love convenience too! And wine! The Homeland Security folks must have some serious intelligence about Walmart to spend this kind of dough.
If Ayman al-Zawahiri walks into a Walmart to buy a car battery and some guns he will most likely also buy wine to cover the fact that he is a Fundamentalist Muslim and considers alcohol evil. After he swipes, blows, and stares, Walmart will have a lock on his illegal license, a DNA sample, and a full on mug shot of al-Qaeda's number 2 guy. Homeland security uses convenience to fight terror! Ok, maybe I'm overreacting? The few times I've been to Walmart, I've never seen any sketchy people. Have you? I would definitely report morbidly obese women buying tube tops. That just hurts America.
Or maybe Homeland security wants to collect all that information about the kind of people that buy wine at Walmart? Or they know Walmart is the world's largest retailer and half of America shops there. Maybe half of those people will buy their wine there. That's a quick little database. Maybe Walmart is working with Homeland Security so they can have a little more leeway with their business partner and current owner of America's debt, China? Maybe if this wine vending system is a success it will be used for all alcohol purchases...and cigarettes..and pharmaceuticals? That would be an even bigger database of license info, DNA, and facial recognition. Maybe this is part of a bigger plan for Walmart to become the company store, you know, like in the old mining towns? You get your paycheck and then give your money back to the company at their store buying clothes, food, and other essentials...like wine?
Or, maybe I'm just paranoid and Janet Napolitano is just setting the stage for her retirement from protecting America and entry into the world of fashion with her own clothing line, "Big Sister's Casual Wear". Available exclusively at Wamart.