Not my words. Just some douche who thinks he's the Happiness Fairy trying to sprinkle me with Happy Dust.
You see, it's Saturday Morning, I'm a bit hungover, and my sweat smells like Guinness and rancid baloney sautéed in milk. The stout in my belly is not mixing well with the bad coffee I've had and I'm sure I look like Steve Buscemi with the flew. Let's just say, I'm not smiling right now.
I'm also in a humid indoor pool area at the Local YMCA which is not helping my cause. My daughter is having her swimming lesson along with about 59 other kids who's screams of joy are echoing in the cavernous sweat box. But she is having fun. It's glorious to watch her have fun learning anything. I am delighted by this despite my outward appearance.
Then this Gent walks by me and says, "Smile, be happy!" My first instinct is to say, "Eat a cock shit eyes.", but there's kids all around us so I just glance at him and sweat in his general direction. Then General Cheery Cheeks LEANS IN and says "Try". Again, we are surrounded by little kids and other parents, some who look like they're waiting for a tooth pulling like me.
Somewhere in the midst of struggling not to tell this guy to drown himself and trying to maintain my miserable cool I say, "Who are you?" I must have had fire shooting out of my bloodshot eyes because he stepped back and gave it the old, "Geez, sorry!" And kept walking.
What drives a guy wearing Dad jeans and running shoes with practical outer wear to want to enforce his Fucking Smiley Face agenda on a complete stranger. I must have looked the worst out of all the other miserable parents waiting with their books and kindles trying to make 30 minutes move quicker than Universal Law dictates. I mean, why me?
I've had a problem with these kind of people my whole life. I may not be smiling all the time like a Presidential Candidate's wife but I'm usually in a good mood. But I guess some stool sample slurpers like this douche are so insecure that they need life to be like a fucking JC Penny catalogue lay out 24/7. This girl in high school always used to say to me first thing in the morning, "You know, it takes more muscles to frown than smile. If you smile more it's less work". After a few weeks I told her I'd smile more if she used her muscles to lose 20 pounds. The look on her face actually made me smile. She never bothered me again.
I'm so glad we were surrounded by innocent children who haven't learned to revel in bitterness like I have. Or I probably would have said something so hanus that even Admiral Lollipops would have slugged me.
But the moment has passed and I half-heartedly hope the Pope of Grand Elation gets a better reaction from the next person he tries to indoctrinate into his cheery fucking asshole cult.
Next time some happy-go-lucky, failed motivational speaker approaches me with unwanted advice, I will just repeat my mantra that brings me much inner peace and joy:
When I find that Genie in a lamp, and he asks me what my three wishes are, I will tell him, "I wish you were dead, I wish you were dead, I wish you were dead."
I always have that reaction too. People always assume that if I'm not smiling, I'm pissed off. Or their other reaction is that I'm not friendly! If people got passed the facial expressions and got to know me better, they'd realizethat I'm pretty nice. Just sometimes, I don't feel like smiling. I've got better things to do!!